A CHILD LEARNS
An online discussion on this can be found at: DISCUSSION
The child knows nothing.
The child learns that the stove is hot, the freezer cold.
The child learns the mother soothes AND the mother hurts.
The child learns that the father hurts AND the father soothes.
The child has Interest.
The child has interest in the father and mother.
So there are three
Mother father and me.
So there is soothing and so there is hurting.
The child has NO knowledge of which is supposed to be.
If there is more hurt than soothe what then?
OR simply if there are a few big huts the child learns simply that
The world sometimes hurts a lot.
The child does not know what this hurt is, where it comes from.
But now the child begins to think in words and stories and images.
The images of the good times soothe the images of the bad times hurt.
The child creates reasons for the hurt and the good.
The child often explains the hurt by coming to think that they are bad.
I hurt therefore I must be bad especially because
Or if my daddy told me I was bad.
A bad girl or a bad boy and I will go to hell if I get mad at daddy.
So the child grows up and feels they are bad and feel guilty as that is what
they learned; I feel bad I must be bad.
They grow up and want to prove to the world that they are not bad but good.
Now this is a big big problem, a big problem.
They want to go back and erase those bad moments but they can't as it is in the past. What do we do? We create a play with those around us.
One trouble with this play is that the people in it including you do not
realize they are in a play.
Now think of this; I am in a play and I don't realize I am in a play,
I do not get to read my part.
I do not know the ending.
The author of the play is your subconscious memory of early hurt.
But the God's eye view is this.
The parent hurt.
The child accepts responsibility.
The child has hurt and fear = guilt.
Guilt leads to wanting punishment and fixing the past.
But the child and adult do not want to be hurt do they!
What a mess because as in order to prove I am a good person
I have to run towards that what will hurt me.
So the person that abuses me as the parent, now in the present, I am attracted to.
I must accept this station as I must prove to myself and others
That I am good and that I can make things better.
But as a rational functioning adult I protest that I have no role in my present suffering. It is the mate, the sisters, brothers, aunt, uncles that are the problem.
We protest how could I run towards such pain and agony?! I did not choose this!
But we did we just do not know it.
So we test and test and test the mate, the friend, the lover, the brother, sister, aunt and uncle either by ‘giving’ until we drop: If I do this one more thing I will prove that I am good and I will be loved for me, for my good self that I know is there. The world will stop and realize the great error it has made in pointing the finger at me saying ‘you are BAD’. This great, great injustice will be removed from the ledger and all will be well. I will be able to not hang my head in shame but be interested in my good self the proud self. The hurt will go away and I will be able to join the world and take my proper place. Or I will continue to hide, drink, blame myself or attack hoping each time that despite my actions I will be seen for the good person I am.
An online discussion on this paper can be found at: DISCUSSION
This is a version of the famous '12 Steps' that summarizes the main ideas of the theory that is suggested in the letter:
TWELVE STEPS TO EMOTIONAL HEALTH
© 1997 DrBPLynch@aol.com
© 1997 DrBPLynch@aol.com
Comments sought and appreciated, positive or constructive.
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On Death and Dying
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SHAME AND PRIDE: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self, DonaldL. Nathanson.
© 1999 DrBPLynch@AOL.COM 773-202-7991 PHONE